Aloha Lilo

If I were to be totally honest with myself I think that Lilo hits a sore spot with me. I love the movie Lilo and Stitch but Lilo reminds me a lot of myself or at least me as a child. I see the way she is rejected by her peers and am instantly warped back into my childhood. I can recall the various Lilo like games I used to play and the mischievous and playful nature that is woven into the fabric of who I am.

The sore spot is that all that childhood wonder, joy and creativity went flitting away the moment I learned to be mindful of what other people thought of me. The moment I cared more about what other people thought of me then what I thought of myself is the moment I began to lose myself.

I get angry with myself that I actually chose to be miserable in order to fit in. The worst part is, that I never really fit in even when I was attempting to be “normal”. Shades of my true self always poked through and most often in times when they were most inappropriate. It was as though I had a “me” tick that blurted out thoughts that were so unusual to what people thought of me that my true self seemed phoney.

I became something that I wasn't, dark, mysterious, angry, yet accepted. I did drugs and drank since those are the only times in today's society, that one is permitted to be “wild”. When I quit drugs, the “wild” me was forced to take a back seat to the more “normal” socially acceptable version of me. Without the excuse of drugs to be myself, I became even more miserable, I no longer had an excuse to be me.

It may seem like this all comes easy to me but it doesn't. Like I wake up and feel at ease with baring my soul to the world. Its actually quite difficult to be yourself when you know that people are watching and judging. The thing is that I have called attention to myself and through my own doing have put myself on display for all to see. I have said that it is okay to be yourself but the truth is I am basing this opinion on faith not knowledge.

What I see is that the more I challenge myself the more I love myself. I have discovered through Disney that I am the happiest person that I know and that the true happiest place on Earth is within. Its not Disney/land/world that holds the magic, the magic is in the dream come alive. The magic is in the wishing and believing. I suppose that its time I forgive the woman who stole all my magic; myself.